In a new and exciting segment for 1%J, staff sports consultant S.S. weighs athletics-oriented WASTE against life-based social use value.
NFL PRESEASON: CLEVELAND BROWNS // DETROIT LIONS
CALLING YOUR MOM
It’s Saturday night. Last weekend, you blew off your mom because there was a totally un-missable Shark Week Marathon on re-run and, like, you haven’t fucking watched shark week in fucking forever, and limbs are getting ripped, Ma. Just you, your bros, some beers, and sharks. But now, but this weekend, this fading moment of life – after wasting the whole summer on that World Cup Soccer bullshit, the Lebron decision and whatever’s left of Major League Soccer, now you have the real fucking deal – the NFL is BACK BABY.
There’s no more fucking around. Mom can wait. Yo, are you prepared to watch third-string players play their goddam hearts out? We’re talking Arena Football league talent here, folks. Do you know when the Super Bowl was, Ma? Do you have any idea how long ago that was? SEVEN GODDAM MONTHS. And the Cleveland Browns! It’s all coming together – Lebron is taking his talents to the grid-iron so he can team up with Johnny fucking Football to slam dunk a touchdown. Don’t even think about this for more than fifteen seconds. Mom calls are a dime a dozen these days. She’s gonna learn how to text soon, so don’t worry about it. Lebron dunking on the Detroit Lions is forever.
Besides, what’re you guys talking about, anyway? Girlfriend?—nonexistent. Job search?—fucking terrible (but fuck that anyway, retail is dope as fuck (1)) . What’s Mom doing? Nothing as usual man. Everyone’s up for nothing.
Grab the beer. Grab the bros. Forget about the phone. Watch the NFL hype begin as you gently weep into your High Life – it’s Miller Time.
(1) [editorial note] No it’s not – btbt31.