In greatest things that ever happened news, some bros in Georgia stole some chainsaws from a hardware store and proceeded to throw them at a police car when the ensuing high-speed chase turned against their favor. The tactic apparently sort of worked – the cop car took $3,000 of damage and the heroes miraculously got away. They also threw some weed whackers at the car. I think weed whackers are terrifying and found the footage to be too triggering to make a GIF of it. Watch the entire video here if you can handle it (NSFL).
This story says a lot about the fragile nature of our times, or something. First, there’s the question of why our heroes were stealing chainsaws and weed whackers. Gardening project or black market power tool trade? Seeing as you don’t even need to go to the deep web to buy a chainsaw for less than $100, I can’t imagine it’s the latter. This leaves only some variation on the former. Reports cite a total of ten weed whackers and four chainsaws found on the road and in the abandoned vehicle. How many weeds could possibly need to be whacked? One weed whacker is surely enough! I think the only possibility is that these guys are starting a civilization/community garden/drug farm hidden somewhere deep in the kudzu-/dandelion-invested woods of suburban Georgia.
This would explain the spectacular nature of their assault. This wasn’t a random act of violence – it was a carefully planned media terrorist attack. In our current all-encompassing surveillance state, any good revolutionary/civilization founder knows that police footage is a 24/7 reality. These guys knew that they were being filmed. And they knew that the best way to strike fear into the viral heart of America would be to throw the universal symbol of Southern psychopathic malice at the universal symbol of State-Certified “justice,” as filmed by the universal reminder of our privacy-free times. And what better place to stage the rebellion from than the back of the universal symbol of complacent suburban oppression, the Minivan? The symbolic coordination is stunning. And the effect is clear. The revolution won’t even be televised anymore – it will just clog up the oppressor’s Reddit feeds. And it will send a clear and terrifying message – back down or we will bring you down with the very foundations of our future Republic. It may or may not cost you $3,000.
The inherent nihilism behind the attack is even more frightening than the attack itself. An attempt to start a rebel civilization is one thing. An attempt to bring down established Civilization by explosively destroying yr own rebel civilization is another. These guys don’t even care about the thing they so violently defend. Their only intent is to destroy. Civilization as a means for destruction, rebellion as a kamikaze assault on the imperial structures of reality.
This is not the first. And it will not be the last.