MORE WINE, ANYONE? | binge // “the fosters”

Screen Shot 2014-12-06 at 12.56.55 PM

BARTLEBY
hiii

GALLONS
hey there, bartles

BARTLEBY
waddup, gallons

GALLONS
nm, lying in bed with a cup of coffee, ready to do this ish.

BARTLEBY
i haven’t had peanut butter in my apartment in like 3 weeks and i just went grocery shopping
i am so happy rn

GALLONS
I don’t eat a lot of peanut butter, but I’m happy for you.

BARTLEBY
that’s crazy

GALLONS
I know.
So, time’s a-wasting, shall we tell the viewing audience what we’re up to?

BARTLEBY
sure
are we gonna try to like sync our viewing first?

GALLONS
I figure if we both just start at episode two at the same time, we should be as golden as we’re gonna get.
Right?

BARTLEBY
word
just don’t spoil anything if you end up a few seconds ahead of me
this show has a lot of drama

GALLONS
It does indeed, I’ll do my best. So yeah, this is the first attempt we’re making at a column called BINGE. The idea is that we binge-watch some terrible television show for about as long as we can stand and talk about it in realtime.
We’re starting off with an ABC Family show called The Fosters. It’s on Netflix.
Care to describe the premise of the show in fifty words or less?

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 3.46.29 PM

BARTLEBY
interracial lesbian couple raises a bunch of kids, much tension and political correctness
how is that

GALLONS
that was like fifteen words and perfect, nicely done
For those wondering, yes, their last name is Foster.

BARTLEBY
should we summarize episode one?

GALLONS
Yeah, let’s do that.
So, Bartleby and I watched the pilot separately, to see if we could tolerate bingeing this thing.
We were introduced to the Foster family – the parents are Lena and Stef. Lena is a black woman, and the vice principal of the charter school their brood attends.

BARTLEBY
i’m trying to pull up my notes but chrome is apparently already at capacity with 2 tabs open

GALLONS
Haha, alright, I’ll keep going in the meantime.
Stef, played by [white woman] Teri Polo, aka the fiancée from Meet The Parents, is a cop.
Together, they live in an absurdly large house for a VP and a cop, along with Stef’s biological son Brandon, who’s about 17, and a pair of Hispanic twins, Jesus and Mariana, who are more like 14-15.
The twins were initially foster kids but the Fosters adopted them after a few years.
The crux of the plot of the pilot is this girl Callie, who is getting let out of juvie. The foster agency has called Lena, asking if she can take Callie in for a few days while they find a more permanent solution. But Callie is a troublemaker – she’s in juvie for doing violence to her former foster father’s car, and she emerges with bruises from a fight.
(I’ve just received word that Bartleby’s computer froze, so I’m going to continue this description with extra detail to kill a bit of time while she reboots.)

BARTLEBY
YES
hello
i’m alive

GALLONS
Lena is initially terrified of the notion of letting a violent child into her home, but when she sees Callie’s puppy-dog eyes, she can’t refuse. Naturally, she doesn’t tell Stef.
Oh, hi, welcome back!
I’m about two minutes into the episode. I should probably speed things up.

BARTLEBY
yes

GALLONS
So, long story short, they take Callie in, and then she and Brandon team up to go rescue her little brother, Jude, who must be like eight, and is implied to be homosexual, hence why he needs rescuing from his horribly abusive foster father.

BARTLEBY
wait he is??
i missed that

GALLONS
Callie says something like, “My foster father started hitting Jude cause he was putting on his ex-wife’s clothes.”
I might be reading too much into that, but that was my take. It seems to fit the show, at least.

BARTLEBY
oh yeah i remember
he might also just be a straight male cross dresser

GALLONS
This is an option, but somehow I don’t see such things happening in the world of the Fosters.
I suppose we’ll find out soon, though!

BARTLEBY
in abc family land though wearing women’s clothes probably = gay

GALLONS
yes, exactly

BARTLEBY
ok 2 great things from the first episode:
1) stef drinks constantly and is already my favorite character
anticipating an alcoholism plot

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 3.48.27 PM

GALLONS
Somehow I didn’t pick up on that

BARTLEBY
2) for all its pc lip service the hispanic twins do not look like they are even vaguely from the same part of the world

GALLONS
I noticed that one as well

BARTLEBY
good

GALLONS
and then when Mariana meets her biological mother, she looks like neither of them.

BARTLEBY
they were just like “round up some brown people whatever”

GALLONS
(This is another point of conflict in the pilot – Do the twins want to meet their effed-up biological mother who abandoned them?)
(Also – Does Brandon want to throw away his shot at being an amazing pianist to help out Callie?)

BARTLEBY
also we love that this show is obviously funded by the charter school lobby

GALLONS
(Also – How will Stef deal with her ex-husband becoming her new partner on the force?)
Yes, this charter school is like the school from the OC but on steroids.

BARTLEBY
oh yeah that part was also very bizarre
like how is there no conflict on interests forcing two divorced cops to work together
although HEY fuck the police they do much crazier shit so who knows

GALLONS
And they will never stop telling us how amazing charter school is.
Indeed, speaking of which:
One of my main goals for BINGE is to look at the experience/phenomenology of bingeing a show rather than watching it normally.

BARTLEBY
yes
so we should contextualize

GALLONS
So before we begin, I wanted to check in with you about your emotional state – How are you doing, barts?

BARTLEBY
haha
i am shitty
not to compromise my ~*anonymity but i’m from st louis and last night a grand jury there voted not to indict darren wilson for shooting an unarmed black kid
so i was out in the streets of manhattan most of the night yelling and marching around
so at this point my general worldview is kind of like
justice isn’t real love isn’t real the whole world is shit

GALLONS
A solid stance.

BARTLEBY
how about you, gallons?

GALLONS
Enh, I’m doing okay. I’ve been having some issues with my workplace, “the management.”
I spent a couple days last week in an absolute rage. I’ve since calmed down a bit, but a day spent in bed watching stupid TV with you is actually a really nice prospect right now.

BARTLEBY
uh oh
oh yeah i should also mention that i am applying to graduate school and my first application is due in
a week
and i am doing this instead
so!
happy watching to us

GALLONS
nice!
excellent, let’s begin?

BARTLEBY
yes
it will take me another 20 minutes to get netflix to work

GALLONS
alright, let me know when you’re cued up.

BARTLEBY
oh jk i’m good

GALLONS
This will be S1:E2: Consequently.

BARTLEBY
ok
mine is loading
should we like 1 2 3 start or just go?

GALLONS
uhhh
i guess on 3?

BARTLEBY
1
2
3

GALLONS
aight
mm, recaps

BARTLEBY
okaaay
i watch everything with closed captions
is that weird

GALLONS
yes
very

BARTLEBY
well
this kitchen
this backyard
omg

GALLONS
i can’t deal with watching Teri Polo in this
I’m pretty sure she’s done nothing but Meet The Parents/Fockers

BARTLEBY
yeah idk who she is

GALLONS
but Stef’s leniency is amazing
“I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL WITH MY HAIR LIKE THIS”
-mariana

BARTLEBY
i like how callie is always dressed in Troubled Chic
like slouchy but still fashionable

GALLONS
also: what’s up with this whole thing with Jesus’ pills?
we do not yet know what his ailment is

BARTLEBY
oo is this theme song new

GALLONS
OH SHIT THESE TITLES
this is amazing

BARTLEBY
i assume he has been diagnosed ADD like most children in America

GALLONS
oh damn, did you see “max” written on the height wall?
who’s max?

BARTLEBY
haha

GALLONS
I see this coming into play

BARTLEBY
no i missed that
good catch

GALLONS
thanx
“WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?!”
this conversation is amazing

BARTLEBY
i go everywhere with my hair wet
my hair never ever dries

GALLONS
oooh – “executive producer: Jennifer Lopez”

BARTLEBY
YES quinceanera
WHAT
god this show is shaping up to be magical

GALLONS
do you think there’s booze in Stef’s coffee?

BARTLEBY
yes
i do
i had that exact thought
she kind of acts like she’s always drunk

GALLONS
she does have a lazy way of speaking
oh yeah, brandon’s gf

BARTLEBY
oh yeah
dumb
there’s a callie/brandon semi-incestuous plot looming
did we say that already

GALLONS
definitely
or at least gf has paranoia about it

BARTLEBY
he and his gf are also about to Have Sex
or did they already have sex
i forget

GALLONS
um, i don’t know

BARTLEBY
eh
something is going on with sex

GALLONS
i kind of got the impression they already had, but then the way she asked if he wanted to come over cause her parents were out of town…

BARTLEBY
lena has like no personality
she annoys me

GALLONS
i dunno, i feel like she’ll gain complexity
oh damn, seventh grade?
that kid strikes me as like six

BARTLEBY
what did that note say

GALLONS
something about pills

BARTLEBY
oh shiiiit locker search
wow
charter schools in action

GALLONS
hence the hardcore charter school locker seearch
oh damn, high octane music
does this show have a house band?

BARTLEBY
i wonder if we were wrong and this is actually a complex attempt to make you think charter schools are great and then flip it and show you that they are terrible

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 3.57.34 PM

GALLONS
i remember all the songs in the first episode sounded like the same person

BARTLEBY
hm
we could look that up

GALLONS
that would be super wild
the charter school thing

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
“for cramps?!”

BARTLEBY
lol “for cramps”

GALLONS
hahaha

BARTLEBY
look she’s drinking another thing!

GALLONS
freaking out the old white man with menstruation
alright, so what’s brandon’s dad’s name again?
mike?

BARTLEBY
i think so

GALLONS
another case of a kid looking nothing like his parents
mike appears to be hispanic

BARTLEBY
eh maybe
or just like new york sicilian

GALLONS
or that
ooh, jesus!

BARTLEBY
who is this british gentleman
he keeps showing up

GALLONS
he’s the teacher

BARTLEBY
oh ok

GALLONS
from ep. 1
what a gentleman, though, that Jesus

BARTLEBY
yes
protecting girls’ honor
s
?
that was too many plurals

GALLONS
haha

BARTLEBY
god wow they are really into medicating this kid
yes

GALLONS
oh damn, look at him getting all ADHD

BARTLEBY
good point jesus

GALLONS
and naturally, lena listens
she’s such a good listener

BARTLEBY
yes
one of her many non-qualities

GALLONS
she’s just round the clock VPin’ it
so, for our viewing audience, this whole pill situation: Mariana’s been selling Jesus’ ritalin or whatever to get money to give to her biological mom
she did so, and then biomom ran off with it

BARTLEBY
BIOMOM

GALLONS
ooooh, deep question callie
“NICE, DO YOU PLAY?!”

BARTLEBY
WHOA

GALLONS
she strummed A SINGLE chord
it was impressive

BARTLEBY
that was an inner thigh touch

GALLONS
oh shit, jealous gf!
yeah, that was pretty aggressive

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.02.44 PM

BARTLEBY
geez

GALLONS
i love the mike/lena tension

BARTLEBY
yes
i wish i had more coffee
i drank a whole french press

GALLONS
oh damn, nice

BARTLEBY
V.v.V

GALLONS
what is that

BARTLEBY
what come on
it turns into a crab

GALLONS
oh hey
i wonder if that will transcribe into wordpress

BARTLEBY
my guess is
no

GALLONS
probably not
alright that was a boring scene

BARTLEBY
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

GALLONS
nice to be getting back to rocker skater bro jesus
look how fast he’s flipping through those images!

BARTLEBY
“moms” always makes me think of Infinite Jest

GALLONS
haha
“moms” always makes me think of my ex-girlfriend who has two moms

BARTLEBY
mike was my ex-boyfriend
lots of ex reminders for us
have you ever noticed how all family tv shows have so much like grabbing each other affectionately

GALLONS
hahahaha

BARTLEBY
like the vague tickling

GALLONS
no i had not

BARTLEBY
or whatever
like who does that irl
is it just that they don’t know how to end a scene
or are too lazy to write dialogue

GALLONS
probably not
whoa, wave that knife around a bit more lena
“WANT SOME BOOZE, HOW ABOUT SOME HEROIN?!”
these people are such open communicators

BARTLEBY
word
lol israel and palestine
good metaphor
or simile

GALLONS
i love how quickly they get to the “Oh, yes, you’re right” pat of the conversation every time.

BARTLEBY
that’s because they are in love

GALLONS
troof
though it happens between every member of the family

BARTLEBY
yes
so much love
ugh i’m bored

GALLONS
yeah this is going to be rough

BARTLEBY
i need crackers

GALLONS
go get some crackers
brandon is even more of a milquetoast that lena

BARTLEBY
agreed

GALLONS
how do we feel about jude?
“we’re married in our hearts, I guess” “that’s basically the same thing, right?”
what an insightful, open-minded child
OH SHIT

BARTLEBY
ok what did i miss

GALLONS
Mariana=not happy
so they’re not letting callie and jude stay forever
but in the meantime, they’re getting beds for them to make them comfortable

BARTLEBY
i think jude is like the cousin arnold but it’s only episode 2 so

GALLONS
jude is moving in with jesus, and callie… WITH MARIANA!
she’s super pissed

BARTLEBY
ah

GALLONS
ooh, forbidden romance

BARTLEBY
haha lexi
i’m into it

GALLONS
that smile on his face
love it
oooh brandon gave callie his guitar!

BARTLEBY
:-|

GALLONS
this girl is so obsessed with callie going back to juvie

BARTLEBY
sry i’ll stop using gchat emojis
yeah well
she’s gonna steal her man

GALLONS
these 15-year-old girls are great
“shiv is a thing shank is what you do with it”
“DAMN, GURL, IT’S LIKE GRAND THEFT AUTO ROUND YR PLACE”

BARTLEBY
oh god i love this tv show strategy of girls pretending to be nice so they can sabotage each other
this like that scene from mean girls

GALLONS
right
oooooh getting to the point, gf
“STEF EVEN BUYS US CONDOMS”

BARTLEBY
what the fuck is this conversation

GALLONS
I guess they do have sex

BARTLEBY
wow look jesus has hair

GALLONS
ooooh
snap, son

BARTLEBY
whoa does she snort his ritalin

GALLONS
looks like it

BARTLEBY
it’s already in a pill dude

GALLONS
she wanted a smaller dose
oh sheeeeit, layin down the law lena

BARTLEBY
so stef is around a lot considering she’s a cop
don’t cops have to like work weird and long hours?

GALLONS
not in ABC family land

BARTLEBY
this show is getting really predictable

GALLONS
we’re only two episodes in, have some faith

BARTLEBY
“she’s insecure, bro”

GALLONS
“you think callie’s hot?” “you don’t?!’
oh damn that’s awkward

BARTLEBY
also the closed captions are spelling brandon’s gf’s name as “Talya”

GALLONS
alright
good to know

BARTLEBY
why
would you spell it like that

GALLONS
a good question

BARTLEBY
Talyuh

GALLONS
tallliahuh
really diggin’ jesus’ duds
kid has style

BARTLEBY
the camo pants

GALLONS
big ol cargo pockets

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.05.26 PM

BARTLEBY
THEY’RE TOTALLY GONNA CANCEL MY QUINCEANERA

BARTLEBY
HAAHA
i think you’re playing the G chord wrong

GALLONS
hahaha

BARTLEBY
it is really complicated
to be fair

GALLONS
“I think”
like he doesn’t know

BARTLEBY
huh this episode is almost over
how many episodes can they drag this plot out over?

GALLONS
the pill plot?

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
as many as they want
oooh hugging
that was soooo awkward
fuck yeah, jam sesh

BARTLEBY
RAD

GALLONS
is brandon going to sneak out while he’s grounded?!?
nope
not even for all the candles in the world

BARTLEBY
i like their other texts
“c u after chemistry”

GALLONS
hahahahaha
i missed that
aight, brb

BARTLEBY
ok

GALLONS
going to use this as a pee break

BARTLEBY
should i keep going or wait for you

GALLONS
just let it roll
got the recap and credits anyway

BARTLEBY
HA
oh god you missed a good fake social media site
instead of fb poke it is “nudge”

GALLONS
oh yeah i saw the “nudge”

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.07.21 PM

BARTLEBY
nuuuudge
if you want proof that girls are socialized to hate each other
watch this show

GALLONS
hahahaha
that was a cute little tableau

BARTLEBY
god i love these titles

GALLONS
throw pillows
see max
and jesse

BARTLEBY
yeah i saw

GALLONS
i guess they’re probably former foster kids
that has been implied

BARTLEBY
idk if it said max tho
it looked like mat

GALLONS
naturally, created by a peter and a bradley

BARTLEBY
bradley bredeweg!
what a good name

GALLONS
oooh shit, is she implying public sex?

BARTLEBY
risque

GALLONS
have we been told where this is set?

BARTLEBY
san diego?
i think
GALLONS
that was my assumption
since they were so close to tijuana in the pilot
btw, for the viewing audience, we’re now on E3: Hostile Acts

BARTLEBY
god lena gets the best outfits
look at that blazer

GALLONS
stylin’ vice
it’s pretty solid

BARTLEBY
this actress is familiar to me

GALLONS
i’ve no idea

BARTLEBY
“our funding is based on performance”
look at this

GALLONS
this seems like more charter school bashing, no?

BARTLEBY
wow this is becoming anti-charter
ya

GALLONS
yeah

BARTLEBY
geez

GALLONS
ooooh, the stranger

BARTLEBY
oh god i love seeing tv english classes

GALLONS
what an inappropriate allusion here

BARTLEBY
AH
new boy
long hair

GALLONS
yeah, cutie

BARTLEBY
yaasss

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.09.59 PM

GALLONS
wrong side of the tracks, fer sure
“quit nudging me online”
i have to wonder if they’re every going to acknowledge the fact that their last name is foster

GALLONS
[Jesus hums]
i turned on closed captions
these are fun

BARTLEBY
do you have them on??
yess

GALLONS
i like that they hover over the characters
sponsored by Beats by Dre ®

BARTLEBY
yes

GALLONS
what year was this made?

BARTLEBY
2013

GALLONS
oh, wow
did not realize it was quite that contemporary

BARTLEBY
yep
i am looking up lena on imdb
she has been on a lot of different law and orders

GALLONS
sheri saum?

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
yeah, this almost feels like family drama law and order

BARTLEBY
less good

GALLONS
Law & Order: Lesbian Household Unit
Stef is Law, Lena is Order
he’s only 16?

BARTLEBY
the actor is probably like 45

GALLONS
so mature
“charming craftsman”

BARTLEBY
geez sry in our modern era i am being distracted by a bunch of other things
someone else is gchatting me and i’m on facebook on my phone

GALLONS
wowza

BARTLEBY
unfriending people who are posting racist bullshit about ferguson

GALLONS
good call
“for the record, I love having two moms”
why does he not just… split his time?
this seems like an easy call
ooh, gf is so stoked

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
oh
i like mike
he’s becoming interesting

BARTLEBY
how so

GALLONS
i don’t know, i like the fact that he’s not a dick
or not a total dick
the standard move would have been to make him horrible for the sake of conflict
ooh, the school play is called “BETRAYAL”
foreshadowing?!?!

BARTLEBY
subtle
who is this silent man with the hair

GALLONS
interesting that in this show with the over-the-top PC mixed-race thing going on, the hispanic kids are only friends/in love with other hispanic kids

BARTLEBY
joan didion speech
neat

GALLONS
if only the show would take her advice

BARTLEBY
srsly

GALLONS
and write as a “hostile act”
mmm fake regina spektor

BARTLEBY
soulful
wait does stef have straight or curly hair

GALLONS
i think it’s straight but she curls it sometimes
confusing, i know
ooh, look at callie, writing like a champ

BARTLEBY
that seems like a lot of work

GALLONS
mariana’s totally going to look at her notebook

BARTLEBY
duh

GALLONS
ooh, dad makes model boats
impressive

BARTLEBY
man cave

GALLONS
yeah, is that a wolf blanket they’re sitting on?

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.11.58 PM

BARTLEBY
haha i hope so

GALLONS
it looks just like a wolf blanket my roommate used to have

BARTLEBY
gaaaame closet

GALLONS
hahaha
mandated game time
Stef: eating rather than drinking
oh shit bombshell
Brandon’s moving in with his dad
Stef’s getting a drink

BARTLEBY
obv

GALLONS
my feet are sweaty

BARTLEBY
why

GALLONS
i don’t know
i’m in my bed, i’m warm
my butt is starting to go slightly numb

BARTLEBY
can you
shift positions

GALLONS
i probably could
oh damn it’s getty serious
oh wait shit what band posters does brandon have?
this is important
i see yeah yeah yeahs
i see pretty lights

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.13.43 PM

BARTLEBY
good good

GALLONS
there’s no way this kid listens to either of those bands

BARTLEBY
i like also how they change up how spanish they want to pronounce mariana
at random

GALLONS
i think it’s just by character right?
no
it’s probably laziness

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
uhoh.. who’s liam?

BARTLEBY
hair kid

GALLONS
my guess: talya read the journal
no no, his name is wyatt

BARTLEBY
yeah for sure
oh
uh

GALLONS
liam is another ex of yours!

BARTLEBY
oh geez
you’re right

GALLONS
she’s going to fudge his test score

BARTLEBY
i am having lots of boy problems but i probably should not discuss them with you in this context rn

GALLONS
yeah, that seems “unprofessional”

BARTLEBY
we are professionals

GALLONS
I like how they told us what song this was via the closed captions

BARTLEBY
ugh there are cracker crumbs all over my bed now

GALLONS
Joshua Radin, everybody!
wait, was he really one point shy?

BARTLEBY
that’s not that bad

GALLONS
she only had to fudge one point

BARTLEBY
acceptable
is this an allusion to that thing in atlanta

GALLONS
OH DAMN

BARTLEBY
OH
wha
t

GALLONS
JESUS

BARTLEBY
girls bathroom

GALLONS
goin for it
in the ladies room

BARTLEBY
[thumping noises]

GALLONS
he certainly “crossed that line”

BARTLEBY
heyooo

GALLONS
what thing in atlanta?

BARTLEBY
that a bunch of teachers at a charter school fudged all their scores and were held up as like proof that charter schools work
it was a big thing
i think it was atlanta

GALLONS
hahaha that is probably exactly what this is
HAHAHA
that celebration was amazing
I think Teri Polo is having way more fun than anyone else on this show
except maybe the kid who plays Jesus

BARTLEBY
agreed
oh yeah geez i forgot the twins were also in foster care

GALLONS
I’m very curious to look up what kind of ratings this show got
clearly enough for a second season

BARTLEBY
yeah i haver never heard of this show before

GALLONS
ohhh mike rented him a piano!
dawww
oh man
it won the “GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding Drama Series”
AND
the “GLAAD Vanguard Award” for J. Lo
AND the “Teen Choice Award for Choice Breakout Television Show.”
i’m incredibly impressed

BARTLEBY
wow

GALLONS
okay, seriously curious about liam

BARTLEBY
yay
OH YES quinceanera episode

GALLONS
YEASSSSSSS
HAHAHAHAHA
so stoked
arright, this is E4: Quinceañera

BARTLEBY
que buenooo

GALLONS
oh man this show was condemned and boycotted by noted hate group One Million Moms

BARTLEBY
aw
haha
ella no tiene un padre

GALLONS
a division of the American Family Association
no
dress lady is freaked
haha netflix just wanted to check if I was still watching

BARTLEBY
me tooo
synced up

GALLONS
nice

BARTLEBY
haha
“i just want this to be the party that everyone talks about for the rest of high school”

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.15.47 PM

GALLONS
i love that they’re worrying about money

BARTLEBY
with their fucking kitchen

GALLONS
yup
mmmm the titles again
i will always love these titles i think

BARTLEBY
god that copper pan
gets me every time
it does say mat

GALLONS
i dig the pancakes

BARTLEBY
with one t

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.29.32 PM

GALLONS
i think you’re right
ooh jude is picking up on the chemistry between jesus and lexi
i like it
very intuitive kid
kids in charter schools go to rehab too, alright?!
OH SNAP

BARTLEBY
OO

GALLONS
callie has to dance with brandon ath the quinceañera!
this is going to be super rough on talya

BARTLEBY
ay

GALLONS
my feet are like really unhappy right now
“hook up? I don’t know what you guys call it these days?”
oh, moms..

BARTLEBY
malms

GALLONS
[both sighing deeply]

BARTLEBY
see
i’m so glad i converted you

GALLONS
oh yes, introduction of grandparents imminent
hahahaha [speaks spanish]
they can’t translate

BARTLEBY
yeah haha i noticed that
[gibberish]
WOW
look at this makeout sesh

GALLONS
yeah this is intense

BARTLEBY
so hott

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.33.53 PM

GALLONS
again in the “ladies room”
bathrooms turn them on
these kids are both like 22

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
oh nooooooo

BARTLEBY
i don’t think anyone i knew kissed like that at age “16”

GALLONS
lexi is going to emerge from the bathroom
watch watch
oh wow
that was close
phew

BARTLEBY
it was a lot more like awkward no confidence faces on each other

GALLONS
yeah, these kids look practiced

BARTLEBY
aww
stef

GALLONS
feet out from under the blanket now

BARTLEBY
at that scene change i thought they were gonna do the titles again

GALLONS
serious improvement

BARTLEBY
i was so excited

GALLONS
hahahaha
why would that happen

BARTLEBY
for that copper pan
the timing just seemed right
wouldn’t that be a pomo twist
oh my god this guy speaks

GALLONS
very much so

BARTLEBY
he has such girl hair

GALLONS
that was be all “too many cooks”

BARTLEBY
i have like the same hair as him

GALLONS
if this show had a “too many cooks”-esque title sequence i would be in heaven
this guy is very forward

BARTLEBY
i haven’t watched too many cooks yet

GALLONS
oh my god [name redacted]
run don’t walk

BARTLEBY
i know i know
i’ve been busy

GALLONS
whoops
we’ll hide that name drop

BARTLEBY
haha
[redacted]

GALLONS
what is talya even doing in this scene?
she has no business being at dance lessons

BARTLEBY
creating tension
OH yes i just remembered i have leftover chinese food in my fridge

GALLONS
OH MY GOD
it’s V from Orange Is the new Black!
as Grandma!

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.36.37 PM

BARTLEBY
yayyyy

GALLONS
this is an incredible casting choice

BARTLEBY
another thing i haven’t seen

GALLONS
really?

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
that one is very much something you should watch

BARTLEBY
too busy watching broad city over and over a million times

GALLONS
[chuckles, groans]
ooh, racial commentary re: black hair
ooh, gender commentary re: “handsome” v. “pretty”

BARTLEBY
ooo
god i hate brandon

GALLONS
yeah he needs to figure out his shit

BARTLEBY
poor talya
they dressed her kind of unfortunately here

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.38.08 PM

GALLONS
i dunno, she’s so obnoxious

BARTLEBY
callie looks way better

GALLONS
OH SHIT
we were so right
talya read the journal, everyone, talya read the journal

BARTLEBY
yeah i think it was p obvious

GALLONS
i know, i’m hyperbolizing here

BARTLEBY
internet hyperbole is hard
QUINCEANERA TIME

GALLONS
i will never throw my kids a party like this

BARTLEBY
it’s just like a bat mitzvah

GALLONS
no bar mitzvahs, no sweet sixteens, no quinceañeras

BARTLEBY
wow you’re such a mean dad
why not

GALLONS
i mean,
i’d do it
just not this lavishly
i refuse to dump money into this sort of thing

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.40.38 PM

BARTLEBY
have fun explaining that to your kid

GALLONS
will do

BARTLEBY
oh lord

GALLONS
mike’s an alkie too

BARTLEBY
they’re both alcoholics

GALLONS
hahaha

BARTLEBY
no one should ever use the phrase “liquid courage”

GALLONS
that would be a good spinoff
two alkie cops who were once married but now one is gay

BARTLEBY
haha

GALLONS
working their beat
getting into trouble

BARTLEBY
they don’t play by the rules
but they get shit done
yay female friendship
oh wait but she is betraying her with jesus
ugh

GALLONS
yeah don’t forget that
for the record, the actor who plays jesus, jake t. austin, was 18 at the time of filming

BARTLEBY
oh ok
not too bad

GALLONS
i love how these roles just flipped in like two minutes
like first jesus was all, “I can’t betray mariana”
and now it’s lexi

BARTLEBY
oh shiiiit
everyone’s makeup is ruined
the kissing
the crying

GALLONS
also, is there any emotional substance to their relationship or are they just fuck buddies

BARTLEBY
haha
sweet burn

GALLONS
“YOU’VE BEEN GOING TO THE BATHROOM ALOT LATELY”

BARTLEBY
yo since when is there like a runway procession at a quinceanera

GALLONS
but seriously, this is like a $10k party
i can’t say i’ve ever been to one
but this one looks very very pricey

BARTLEBY
this is like a wedding
OH wait
callie’s date
new date
is the creepy guy from parks and recreation
i think
what is his name

GALLONS
i have very rarely watched that show
ooh, death glare

BARTLEBY
lolol

GALLONS
i can’t wait for the inevitable dumping of talya
is that bad?

BARTLEBY
no
she sux

GALLONS
why do people always bring up dramatic conversations while dancing?

BARTLEBY
why could he have any girl he wanted

GALLONS
i suppose it does heighten the drama
because he’s beautiful and can ply them with ritalin

BARTLEBY
oh right
good dance guys

GALLONS
also, he dresses real well
feet: still sweaty, even in the open air

BARTLEBY
thanks for the update
i wanna go get my chinese food but i don’t have a microwave
so i have to heat it up on the stove
and i don’t want to miss the awkward dancing

GALLONS
a conundrum
bring your computer with you?

BARTLEBY
i will wait
oh yeah i guess i could do that
you’re so wise

GALLONS
i know

BARTLEBY
SHUT UP

GALLONS
yeah
hardcore
you tell her, mariana

BARTLEBY
oh shit
this is true

GALLONS
yupppp
or wait, are they going to try to spin this as just mike being a drunk?
“two more mouths to feed”
that would be a good drinking game line for this show

BARTLEBY
oh yeah there are several drinking games here
WHAT
is going on

[ed: All this is re: a conversation between Lena and her mother about Lena’s inability to know what it’s like to be black in America because she’s half white.]

GALLONS
yeah this is pretty on the nose

BARTLEBY
what
wow
how did we get here

GALLONS
well there was that black hair comment eariler
*foreshadowing*

BARTLEBY
wow
WOW
this is some hard hitting stuff

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.44.09 PM

GALLONS
it is very very direct

BARTLEBY
geez
this show just completely changed in my eyes

GALLONS
like, they could not have been less subtle at any point in that conversation

BARTLEBY
yeah
well

GALLONS
“i pay attention”
jude rules

BARTLEBY
stef
drinking

GALLONS
look at stef stumbling around up there
[mid-tempo acoustic guitar]

BARTLEBY
haha
i hope you have the tiiiime of your liiiife

GALLONS
close enough
they couldn’t afford the rights

BARTLEBY
functional equivalent
clearly

GALLONS
glockenspeil

BARTLEBY
delicate
tender

GALLONS
harmonica!
banjo!
this song is going everywhere at once

BARTLEBY
ooh racist halloween costumes

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.47.07 PM

GALLONS
and the drumming is all breakbeat

BARTLEBY
thumbs up

GALLONS
oh, missed that
stef in bandana!

BARTLEBY
haha yesss
wow that was great
good powerpoint everybody

GALLONS
new skateboard for jesus
$50
quinceañera for mariana: $10000

BARTLEBY
0000000

GALLONS
mariachi band: priceless

BARTLEBY
oh WHAT

GALLONS
these crossfades are super awkward
mike, drinking
oh god mike is drunk
like shwaysty
expressing heartfelt opinions
the only way men can do this is via drinking

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.49.17 PM

BARTLEBY
ok i just got to drunk mike part
true

GALLONS
but he is letting brandon drive him home, what a guy
feet cold and sweaty
would rather be warm and sweaty, back under the covers

BARTLEBY
a sophie’s choice

GALLONS
indeed
oh shit, callie’s meeting up with the cool kids drinking on the beach

GALLONS
aight, bathroom break and then resync?

BARTLEBY
you look dumb in that dress
yeah i’m not done yet

GALLONS
kk, be back shortly
oh lord it’s almost noon
what a weird way to start a day

BARTLEBY
yeah it’s 3 here

GALLONS
i am going to need to eat something after this one
just did some research on child actor ages

BARTLEBY
what did you find

GALLONS
Callie (maia mitchell) is the oldest in the family at 21
which is surprising
but Lexi (bianca a. santos) is 24
anyway, onward?

BARTLEBY
episode 5

GALLONS
sweet
“the Morning After”
3
2
go

BARTLEBY
oh whoops i fucked up
whatever
RECAP
ooo is this a lesbian party for all their lesbian friends

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.52.21 PM

GALLONS
haha looks like it

BARTLEBY
ok so i guess jesus and lexi are official

GALLONS
yup

BARTLEBY
how will they find an excuse to make out in bathrooms now

GALLONS
wait, i thought mariana was over this
the whole “i’m sorry for being selfish” speech?

BARTLEBY
forever not over it
what
who is this guy
“puberty”

GALLONS
garrett
hahahaha

BARTLEBY
also she just lol’d at something that was not at all a joke
ok wait
my prediction is

GALLONS
yessss gay best friend

BARTLEBY
she gets a crush on him even though he is obviously gay

GALLONS
good call
“womaning the grill”
nice

BARTLEBY
yaaa
feminist heroes

GALLONS
i love this mass of lesbians

BARTLEBY
lesbian mass
haha
“what’s a poetry slam”
what
oh god
i’m gonna vomit

GALLONS
i like how all the other lesbians are way more sterotypically “butch” than stef and lena

BARTLEBY
this is the most indie thing they can come up with
a movie version of on the road

GALLONS
this is awful
“just don’t call me dude” haha

BARTLEBY
they have the same hair
callie and this guy
i am obsessed with their hair

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.56.58 PM

GALLONS
hahaha they do
i dunno, his locks are pretty luscious
dude uses volumizing shampoo

BARTLEBY
PAN
MAIL
COINS

BARTLEBY
mat

GALLONS
headphones
i like the cast signifiers in the imagery
piano=brandon
guitar=callie
nailpolish=mariana

BARTLEBY
oooooooo
he used to date talya

GALLONS
whoa
big reveal

BARTLEBY
talya has sex with all the boys

GALLONS
srsly

BARTLEBY
or at least 2
YES
talking about adult sex

GALLONS
the sex talk this is good
i’m impressed, abc family

BARTLEBY
me too

GALLONS
i can see why One Million Moms had problems with this

BARTLEBY
aw this is so sad
i’m very scared of having a sexless marriage
oh wow

GALLONS
damn this is getting hot and heavvvvy

BARTLEBY
4 real

GALLONS
oh damn
“i need a little break”

BARTLEBY
hehe

GALLONS
jesus has a boner, everyone

BARTLEBY
YES called it

GALLONS
oh jude is totes gay
they’re going for it

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 4.59.48 PM

BARTLEBY
oh damn
heteronormativity police
[down-tempo rock]

GALLONS
it’s cool, though, mariana gets it

BARTLEBY
“she seemed chill”

GALLONS
“she’s actually kind of crazy”
uh oh
i think this guy is actually a sleaze
maybe

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
i dunno, unclear

BARTLEBY
aw
AW
look at this budding romance
precious
“next time my dad takes me out”

GALLONS
super precious
i love unibrow bully

BARTLEBY
probably also gay
but repressed

GALLONS
chances are high

BARTLEBY
uh oh
“my parents would kill me”

GALLONS
come on dude, don’t you know stef buys brandon condoms?

BARTLEBY
OH
geez

GALLONS
damn

BARTLEBY
wow look at the cojones on this guy
asking a random person to buy plan b

GALLONS
yeah, he’s impessive

BARTLEBY
also geez let her take the pill
you gotta take that shit asap

GALLONS
but condoms in the bathroom? and you didn’t grab a few?
lordy
this show, man
hits the big topics

BARTLEBY
on the road is like a classic
YES
oh my god yes
she got it
it’s a bunch of angry and selfish manchildren

GALLONS
she did

BARTLEBY
who think doing lots of drugs counts as a personality

GALLONS
what a snooty ass

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 5.01.21 PM

BARTLEBY
oh geez
aw
poor mariana

GALLONS
hahaha
“DO YOU REALLY WANNA DATE A GUY WHOSE PANTS ARE TIGHTER THAN YRS?”

BARTLEBY
wow real talk
once again

GALLONS
yeah
a lot of bucks say that the producers are gay

BARTLEBY
this is def not his parents’ house
didn’t he just break in

GALLONS
that would not be unrealistic
nice one, kid
“what does being busy have to do with holding hands?”

BARTLEBY
aw this talk is so sad
also i heated up my leftovers and my whole tiny apartment smells like msg

GALLONS
i smell like body odor, so msg sounds preferable
that’s right, everyone: I have not yet showered today

BARTLEBY
me neither
OH YES
slam poetry

GALLONS
the slam!
snaps snaps

BARTLEBY
good grief

GALLONS
“Like Andrea Gibson great”
hahahahahaha
i fucking love this

BARTLEBY
ohhh
ok
what
who is this girl
why is she being such a bitch

GALLONS
i dunno, but she’s a bitch

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 5.03.12 PM

BARTLEBY
GOD
cringe

GALLONS
this slam leader guy is awesome
watch this
Mariana is in
calling it now
oh, nvm

BARTLEBY
ha
aw this guy is so nice
she should have a crush on him

GALLONS
yet so pretentious
“a little more raw”
like fuck you, dawg, she’s not raw, get over it
oh fuck b

BARTLEBY
oh fuuuck

GALLONS
bad move dude

BARTLEBY
for real

GALLONS
here comes liam

BARTLEBY
brandon is such a doof

GALLONS
indeed
these kids are all so impressively vocal about their feelings
i feel like everyone should be fifteen times more awkward than they are

BARTLEBY
[pop]

GALLONS
hahaa
shit, did she take the pill?

BARTLEBY
yeah i think so

GALLONS
weird that they skipped over that decision talk
that’s the kind of thing they’d ordinarily include

BARTLEBY
yeah
oh god
she’s gonna dye her hair

GALLONS
this music sounds way too indie for mariana

BARTLEBY
or take some pills
what is gonna happen

GALLONS
gonna go with hairdye
or something of the sort

BARTLEBY
CALLIE STOP POLICING YR BROTHER’S SEXUALITY

GALLONS
Jude is by far the best of the kids

BARTLEBY
BY far
damn

GALLONS
“I already hurt” christ

BARTLEBY
i know
fuck i just went through an entire sleeve of saltines
i might as well be eating straight flour

GALLONS
make sure to hydrate

BARTLEBY
yes yes

GALLONS
ooooh shit
stef didn’t tell lena
about the pill

BARTLEBY
wow a french press of coffee a sleeve of saltines and cheap chinese food
i am probably on the verge of death
hydration wise

GALLONS
water is the stuff of life

BARTLEBY
so tru
stef is actually being p reasonable here

GALLONS
stef is always reasonable
wait where
are they going?

BARTLEBY
stef is the best
slam poetry
keep up

GALLONS
oh right
i like that jesus and jude are being all affectionate now

BARTLEBY
ooo ok
not hair dye

GALLONS
makes more sense

BARTLEBY
lol that is literally the smallest thing she could’ve done
it is barely visible

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 5.06.29 PM

GALLONS
i was going to say it was kinda huge
for a nose stud

BARTLEBY
but compared to hair dye

GALLONS
this is the part where this kid comes out as gay during his slam poem

BARTLEBY
this slam poetry sux
he’s just talking
ugh
UGH

GALLONS
here comes the rhythm, don’t fear

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 5.07.38 PM

BARTLEBY
a single simile

GALLONS
snaps
no you’re right
this is awful

BARTLEBY
lol look at these hipsters
aren’t they supposed to be in high school
dat fur coat

GALLONS
i missed it

BARTLEBY
they’re behind the fosters
I HATE THIS
I WANT TO TURN IT OFF

GALLONS
i tend to hate slam in general
but yeah
this is pretty fucking bad

BARTLEBY
he’s just naming gay musicians

GALLONS
stevie nicks?

BARTLEBY
or like musicians that gay people stereotypically like
ugh

GALLONS
“a little edgier” hhaha

BARTLEBY
you’re already pretty great

GALLONS
i hate this kid

BARTLEBY
god this is so cringey
they should have car sex
right now

GALLONS
that’d be a pretty great move
but not an ABC family move

BARTLEBY
true

GALLONS
oooohhhh
it’s comin’

BARTLEBY
IT’S HAPPENING

GALLONS
she’s going to whip out the cuffs
oh damn
i’m so impressed
this is great

Screen Shot 2014-12-02 at 5.09.37 PM

BARTLEBY
yayy

GALLONS
whew
okay

BARTLEBY
“jesus is invited to church camp”
in this next episode

GALLONS
i’ma run and grab some food
oh boy

BARTLEBY
oh ok should i pause

GALLONS
no no
let it rolllll

BARTLEBY
word

GALLONS
S1: E6: Saturday

BARTLEBY
haha get more wine
god their couch is cool
ok i think jesus did a marlon brando impression?

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 1.41.15 PM

GALLONS
nice back in time for the credits

BARTLEBY
still the best part

GALLONS
my raspberries are starting to mold

BARTLEBY
aw
callie’s hair also changes a lot

GALLONS
home foreclosure, how topical

BARTLEBY
rly

GALLONS
time for the DTR

BARTLEBY
haha
wait what does that stand for

GALLONS
“define the relationship”

BARTLEBY
ah

GALLONS
c’mon
“a little get together”… with heroin!

BARTLEBY
hand double

GALLONS
i love the way the camera skips his head
yeah
hahah
dweeb

BARTLEBY
dweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 1.44.53 PM

GALLONS
…with a banksy poster
teenager room decor on tv is hilarious to me
where are the moms going?
i missed this

BARTLEBY
adoption fair
idk what that means
why does no one realize garrett is gay
why won’t he get out of this show

GALLONS
maybe we’re wronng

BARTLEBY
no way
[politely laughs]

GALLONS
[politely laughs]
ahhahaha

BARTLEBY
this mom sux too
“why don’t you have a boyfriend?? where are all your friends?”

GALLONS
well we all know she sucks
she abandoned them and then used mariana for money

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 1.47.07 PM

BARTLEBY
yeah
mike is drunk again
probably

GALLONS
yuppp

BARTLEBY
haha they are so anti-religion

GALLONS
yuppp

BARTLEBY
yuppp
oh boy

GALLONS
i wonder if either of these actresses are actually gay

BARTLEBY
they are really not into subtlety
my guess is no
let’s see

GALLONS
not not in the slightest
teri polo is on her second straight marriage
she is also bankrupt
as of april

BARTLEBY
sherri saum is married with kids

GALLONS
sponsored by instagram

BARTLEBY
oo her husband is pretty

GALLONS
oh shiiiiittttt

BARTLEBY
OH
damn

GALLONS
hahah

BARTLEBY
ok after this episode i kind of need to shower

GALLONS
so much of this transcript is going to be us going “oh damn” at random shit

BARTLEBY
can we maybe just keep it playing on our computers while we shower

GALLONS
and no one is going to know

BARTLEBY
or should we take a break
hahaaaa
“messy-sexy”

GALLONS
hahaha
i can keep watching while you shower
“a stupid foreclosure party”
as if that’s a standard thing
“oh, yeah, I was at a foreclosure party last night, it was ragin”

BARTLEBY
post-housing bubble party theme

GALLONS
I like the use of the name “jesus” in these phrases
“what is he trying to do, ‘save’ Jesus or something?”
Jesus saves Jesus

BARTLEBY
ha

GALLONS
“THE HAIR MODEL?!”
HAHAHAHAHAHA

BARTLEBY
ha

GALLONS
they noticed

BARTLEBY
lying to the rents
classic

GALLONS
mike’s smashed oh lord
i’m getting to that point where my body feels one with my bed

BARTLEBY
binge nirvana

GALLONS
indeed

BARTLEBY
[chattering]
sure signs of a foreclosure party

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 1.51.05 PM

GALLONS
hahah

BARTLEBY
HEY GIRL

GALLONS
this actually looks like a lot of fun
an excuse to destroy a house

BARTLEBY
yeah we did this at [college redacted]
they were tearing down some apts my friends lived in
oo damn
shut down

GALLONS
yupppp

BARTLEBY
what do you think they’re drinking?
str8 liquor

GALLONS
strawberry vodka and sprite

BARTLEBY
hahah yes

GALLONS
oh, no, beer

BARTLEBY
nah not really
that’s code

GALLONS
oh no
here it comes
oh shit this lady’s on OINTB too

BARTLEBY
haha
poaching
“MORE WINE ANYONE??”

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 1.53.26 PM

GALLONS
hahaha
oh shit stef is freaking the fuck out

BARTLEBY
yeah
eep
will any of this be usable
our conversation

GALLONS
hahaha i’d have some fun reading most of it

BARTLEBY
ok

GALLONS
“hello, if you need a pill, call kelsey!”

BARTLEBY
haha

GALLONS
[rock!]

BARTLEBY
she can stay

GALLONS
GUITAR SOLOOOOO

BARTLEBY
god dad is fucking this all up

GALLONS
yeahhh he’s no good

BARTLEBY
eeeeesh i’m nervous

GALLONS
yeah, this is worrisome
oh
snap

BARTLEBY
dang
they’re socially liberal catholics

GALLONS
the riveras are pretty chill

BARTLEBY
hair guy is so troubled

GALLONS
wyatt is wasteeeeddddd

BARTLEBY
but he won’t curse

GALLONS
nope
those were the worst rage lines ever

BARTLEBY
srsly

GALLONS
stroking the hair

BARTLEBY

it’s so prominent
god look she’s so happy
that she gets to play this role now
she’s been waiting for this

GALLONS
wyatt *is* his hair

BARTLEBY

LET ME COMFORT YOUR TROUBLED HAIR

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 1.56.28 PM

GALLONS
hahalol

BARTLEBY
now she’s into him again
now that he has freaked the fuck out
uh
is that how walls work
you just hit them a few times and it comes off like a slab

GALLONS
i totally lied
Mrs. Rivera was not on OINTB, she was on Six Feet Under
i do not know how i made that mistake
and yeah, that’s how a lot of walls work

BARTLEBY
wow that is so embarrassing for you

GALLONS
yeah, i’m embarrassed

BARTLEBY
haha good miming of playing the piano
damn my feet are sweaty now too

GALLONS
right?

BARTLEBY
this is like a thing

GALLONS
indeed
oh shit mariana’s waaaasted

BARTLEBY
she’s fiiine
wow such a great photographer

GALLONS
LIAM
!

BARTLEBY
AH
AHHHH
LIAM
WAIT
i know this guy
lolol
instagram

GALLONS
woof this guy is a creeeeper

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.02.11 PM

BARTLEBY
what is he frooooom

GALLONS
whip him with your hair wyatt
uh oh

BARTLEBY
callie is obnoxious
trying to save everyone
chill out

GALLONS
talya is making mistakes

BARTLEBY
yeah she’s allowed to have her slut phase

GALLONS
true

BARTLEBY
or she can just be a slut whatever
she should do what she wants

GALLONS
everyone is so good at changing their minds on this show
i dunno, i think callie was concerned because those dudes were filming her in a somewhat threatening way
“not the…”
was she abused?

BARTLEBY
OH YES this guy was on other abc family brilliantly campy show pretty little liars

GALLONS
ah

BARTLEBY
which i knew would come up eventually
because it has a lot in common with this show

GALLONS
I did not realize that was ABC family
what are the commonalities?

BARTLEBY
ja
beautiful sets
beautiful hair
suburban fantasy
drama
it just kind of looks the same

GALLONS
oh sheeeit

BARTLEBY
except they’re in pennsylvania

GALLONS
yeah the production value on this is impressive
uh ohhhhhh

BARTLEBY
haha stef knows wassup

GALLONS
oh fuuuuuuuuu

BARTLEBY
oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

GALLONS
oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

BARTLEBY
oh FUCK
dramatic rock music

GALLONS
don’t cover for mariana
come on
good job callie

BARTLEBY
way 2 go moms
good jobs all around

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.06.26 PM

GALLONS
[folk]

BARTLEBY
callie is so like post-drinking

GALLONS
where did all callie’s decor come from?

BARTLEBY
paris
obv

GALLONS
she left juvie with like no clothes though

BARTLEBY
why is everyone so impressed with instagram

GALLONS
hahhaha idk
cause callie’s a budding artist

BARTLEBY
because she is troubled

GALLONS
oh fuck
liam is stalking her

BARTLEBY
gross
GROSS
go to the police
go go go

GALLONS
of course

BARTLEBY
OK SO

GALLONS
woof
intense

BARTLEBY
i’m gonna shower but leave this on so we get through more

GALLONS
sounds good
i’ll keep on the ball
we have a duty to do, i wont let you down

BARTLEBY
just say funny things to yourself

GALLONS
you know how i do

BARTLEBY
i’ll come back and review them

GALLONS
“i feel left out”? risque

BARTLEBY
his necklace
ok brb

GALLONS
pooka shells, love it
“not even the dalai frickin lama could get along with a monster like her”
i’m inclined to agree
yes, netflix, i am amazingly still watching

BARTLEBY
me too
god this is gonna fuck with my recommendations

GALLONS
hahahaha
mmm granola
or was that kashi?

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.08.25 PM

BARTLEBY
my shower takes like 5 mins to warm up

GALLONS
the textures in these credits, damn

BARTLEBY
yesss i get to see the titles

GALLONS
I want to know who did the theme song
yes, the creators are gay

BARTLEBY
if only the internet
dr kodema
good fake name

GALLONS
“Where you belong” by Kari Kimmel
I like how fictional therapists are so frequently ethnic

BARTLEBY
“ethnic”

GALLONS
brandon really rocks the long-sleeve tee under button-down shortsleeves
you know what i mean
it’s a trope
non-white

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.10.21 PM

BARTLEBY
yeah i just hate it
just say non-white if that’s what you mean

GALLONS
i know
my b

BARTLEBY
it’s ok
good thing i’m here

GALLONS
keepin me in line
[toaster pops]

BARTLEBY
lolol
ooo spanish captions

GALLONS
impressed
“i’ve been clean for like a week now”

BARTLEBY
hahahaha

GALLONS
oh fuck

BARTLEBY
noooooooo

GALLONS
do not fucking guilt your daughter into stealing from her actual parents to get you clean
if you want to be clean so bad get yourself clean

BARTLEBY
mariana gets the worst treatment in this show
no romance plot
emotionally abusive relationship with mom

GALLONS
she is also the worst of them, though
she kiiinda deserves it some of the time

BARTLEBY
yeah i would be the worst too if i got these plots

GALLONS
fair point
“JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOOOOWWW”
SOMEBODYYYY
SOMEBODDYYYYYY
oh, jude again, yay
i don’t think he showed up once in the last episode
this other kid is like two years older than jude
oh fuck
the riveras are pulling lexi out of the utopian charter school!
and they might get lena fired!
they’re sending her to boarding school in texas!
mariana done effed up
oh, b the dubs everyone, we’re on E7: The Fallout
most appropriate title yet
fukkkk liam shows up in his jeep being a dick
he is so evil
YEAH WYATT
KICK HIS ASS
wyatt and liam fucking goin at it

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.14.18 PM
brandon breaks it up of course, how boring
wyatt seems to be leaving callie
brandon swoops in
this is gonna be badddd
brandon figures out that liam and callie were in a statutory rape type of situation
this is heavy
i’m sensing a rescue mission for sarah, liam’s current foster sister, coming on
there are very few moments of levity in this show
it’s rough
but jude is still the greatest little kid
“I don’t really like to eat between meals.”- Jude

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.15.44 PM
[melancholy melody plays]
that should be the caption for the whole damn show
palms sweating now
eye leaking as well
my body is doing weird things, point being
doing this alone is a lot harder than doing it with you, bart
oh snap, the riveras are coming over
LEXI RAN AWAY
i’m a bit confused as to how these catholic parents can be so cool with gay couples and not with sex before marriage
this is probably a bit of catholic doctrine i don’t understand
like most of them
oh and now ana is fuckin texting mariana asking for stuff she can pawn

BARTLEBY
ok i’m cleeen

GALLONS
sounds nice

BARTLEBY
what if there was a christmas special

GALLONS
we’re getting a lesson about having sex as a foster kid

BARTLEBY
called “a regular night at the fosters”

GALLONS
haha

BARTLEBY
and they just like chill and watch netflix
everyone does their homework

GALLONS
that is what it would look like
mariana has clearly stolen something to give to ana
yeesh

BARTLEBY
ok yeah like a Columbus Day special
earth day special

GALLONS
there we go

BARTLEBY
everyone composts together

GALLONS
wow turns out ernie rivera is a very sensible dude
why is everyone so damn sensible?

BARTLEBY
v sensible
this show is so progressive

GALLONS
hahaha “hey jude”

BARTLEBY
yesss jude + connor forever
oh man i’m behind you a few secs again

GALLONS
oh fuck
she’s gonna find ana od’d

BARTLEBY
i like mariana’s wedges
nooooo

GALLONS
OOOOOHHHH

BARTLEBY
ahhhhh

GALLONS
nvm

BARTLEBY
wait
wow
twist

GALLONS
major twist
what is this house? is this wyatt’s foreclosed house?

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.18.44 PM

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
go mariana
never thought i’d say it

BARTLEBY
yeah
i’m on her side
[fake regina]

GALLONS
so much fake regina
jude knows nothing about football
poor kid

BARTLEBY
spoooooorts

GALLONS
but CONNOR DOESN’T CARE

BARTLEBY
STOP SPOILING IT

GALLONS
aw jeez sorry
aw this kid is great

BARTLEBY
this is literally my fav tv romance of all time
goddamn
i’m tearing up

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.23.08 PM

GALLONS
awwww
hhshshhahahaa
what a great transition

BARTLEBY
maybe love is real

GALLONS
“OH MY GOD THIS IS SO VOGUE< YOU BEING ALL HOT IN THIS DUMP”

BARTLEBY
if you are a gay male 6 year old
grossssss
“describe sex with my twin brother plz”

GALLONS
yeahh this is weird

BARTLEBY
aw

GALLONS
she is so clearly like five years older
here it is, rescue mission
orrrr not

BARTLEBY
god my room is littered with dishes right now
this is gross

GALLONS
hahahaha

BARTLEBY
i just can’t miss a second

GALLONS
right
?
OH SHIIIIIITTTTT
there is not a single issue this show does not touch

BARTLEBY
OH MY GOD
wow

GALLONS
christ

BARTLEBY
geez

GALLONS
what’s next?

BARTLEBY
yeah that was like the single one they missed

GALLONS
legalization?

BARTLEBY
everyone catches ebola
wait [lexi] didn’t know [that she was undocumented]???

GALLONS
her parents wouldn’t tell her
i’m unsurprised

BARTLEBY
wow this therapist is so unhelpful

GALLONS
yup she pretty much sucks

BARTLEBY
“you are special”

GALLONS
tv therapists are always bad
c’mon girl

BARTLEBY
those braids

GALLONS
nice cardigan, brandon

BARTLEBY
haha

GALLONS
herringbone, diggin it

BARTLEBY
noooooooo

GALLONS
here we go, now we’re hitting the rape button right on the head

BARTLEBY
srsly what issue have they missed

GALLONS
i mean this one was implied but now we’re really here

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.25.16 PM

BARTLEBY
cutting
someone is gonna start cutting soon

GALLONS
jude?

BARTLEBY
yeah maybe
uh

GALLONS
depression?

BARTLEBY
school shooting

GALLONS
yes, gun rights

BARTLEBY
i’m thinking of degrassi plots
drake

GALLONS
drake would love this show

BARTLEBY
he would

GALLONS
i think one of these characters needs to become a gamer and then get involved in gamergate
it will clearly be jude

BARTLEBY
yes
this was 2013 tho

GALLONS
it’s a season two development

BARTLEBY
jude wears a lot of hair gel

GALLONS
[ohh ohh ohhohh]

BARTLEBY
[soulful melody plays]

GALLONS
that is a killer couch

BARTLEBY
WINE

GALLONS
this home is so well decorated

BARTLEBY
yeah damn
stef has a toe ring

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.27.13 PM

GALLONS
there’s a definite sense of stockholm syndrome that comes in while bingeing

BARTLEBY
very much so

GALLONS
like i would not like this show whatsoever if had not watched eight episodes in a row
six*
whatever

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
woof

BARTLEBY
ok i can only do one more i think
then i gotta go to this protest
or wait 43 mins

GALLONS
sounds good

BARTLEBY
ok maybe 2
eh no 1 is probably safer
i should eat dinner

GALLONS
aight, E8: Clean

BARTLEBY
cool mike’s alcoholism is finally addressed

GALLONS
i wonder if stef will ever be exposed…

BARTLEBY
nah moms can drink as much wine as they want

GALLONS
nicely done stef

BARTLEBY
that’s a tv rule
it only becomes alcoholism if liquor is involved

GALLONS
uh oh, the fabled ex
hahahahaha landline jokes

BARTLEBY
god yeah my parents still have a landline
i have no idea why

GALLONS
god this is sad

BARTLEBY
:'(

GALLONS
“home sweet”
IT’S NOT WHERE YOU COME FROOOOM

BARTLEBY
HOMEWORk

GALLONS
IT’S WHERE YOU BEEEELONGGG

BARTLEBY
REMEMBER YOUR CHORES

GALLONS
maple syrup
all the maple syrup

BARTLEBY
slomo
whose signifier is the coffee mug
stef?

GALLONS
um good question
i kinda missed it

BARTLEBY
whatever idk if it’s 1:1
endless chain of signifiers

GALLONS
it mostly is

BARTLEBY
wealthy suburban life

GALLONS
i have yet to catch them for moms though

BARTLEBY
this guy is a dick

GALLONS
but he has a solid point

BARTLEBY
oh yes tell me about beethoven

GALLONS
hahah “imagine the world without the ninth symphony”

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.29.05 PM

BARTLEBY
“i’d rather not frankly”
hohoho

GALLONS
ha
joan didion!

BARTLEBY
yaaay
wait what are they reading

GALLONS
unsure

BARTLEBY
good segue
speaking of hostile

GALLONS
jesus these kids are so good at conversing

BARTLEBY
oo wyatt has good arms
i would probably be into him
based on his arms

GALLONS
i think freaks and geeks might be the only good depiction of teen awkwardness

BARTLEBY
yeah
maybe my so-called life

GALLONS
never seen it
whoa dude

BARTLEBY
it’s pretty bad
but also good

GALLONS
that is not the way to do this

BARTLEBY
also jordan catalono is the best tv crush
he can’t read

GALLONS
what?

BARTLEBY
on my so-called life
never mind
talya is cool

GALLONS
haha

BARTLEBY
i do have stockholm syndrome
geez

GALLONS
everyone is great at redeeming themselves

BARTLEBY
i like everyone on this show now
except brandon

GALLONS
i’m still iffy on lena
yeah brandon is also pretty lame

BARTLEBY
they hug now

GALLONS
i am so sweaty

BARTLEBY
nonsexual relationship
geez gross

GALLONS
what’s up with jesus?
why’s he being so weird

BARTLEBY
i bet we will find out
oo that’s another degrassi style plot

GALLONS
maybe he’s realizing how effed up it was that she blackmailed her parents

BARTLEBY
he has joined a fight club

GALLONS
hahhhaha

BARTLEBY
oh ok mom stuff
meh

GALLONS
got it

BARTLEBY
i bet he will still join a fight club

GALLONS
‘this isn’t exactly la jolla” lol

BARTLEBY
at some point

GALLONS
likely

BARTLEBY
they are so grossed out by poverty

GALLONS
oh jeez
who’s this guy

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.32.37 PM

BARTLEBY
oh shit
evan

GALLONS
evan
“later” hahaha

BARTLEBY
hahaha
uh
geez
domestic violence

GALLONS
yuppppp
okay, prediction for the rest of the plot:
of this episode
twins tell moms about ana
they decide to help out

BARTLEBY
dude look at his driving!@!!!

GALLONS
rescue a la episode 1 occurs
yeah this is ridiculous

BARTLEBY
he was like spinning the wheel all the way around
to go straight
police brutality!!

GALLONS
except we like the cops on this show

BARTLEBY
get im stef
yeah but still
cops

GALLONS
right

BARTLEBY
i think i sprained my shoulder last night
somehow

GALLONS
jeeesh what is she wearing

BARTLEBY
who mariana?

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.33.55 PM

GALLONS
yeah
so many patterns
ooh did he just not answer lexi’s call?

BARTLEBY
yeah

GALLONS
because he’s busy looking up women’s shelters

BARTLEBY
also luv his laptop stickers

GALLONS
good guy

BARTLEBY
sk8r

GALLONS
sk8r till he dies

BARTLEBY
brandon looks like some sort of animal
like a vole
of some type

GALLONS
yes
he’s very rodenty

BARTLEBY
yuck
damn i’m really gonna have to wash my sheets

GALLONS
hahaha

BARTLEBY
i hate bed crumbs

GALLONS
they’re terrible

BARTLEBY
terrible

GALLONS
i’m getting to that point where i might just fall back asleep sometime soon

BARTLEBY
i can’t believe someone in this family hasn’t had an aneurysm yet

GALLONS
srsly

BARTLEBY
yeah i’m sleepy too

GALLONS
def going to need some more coffee after this
and a long, long shower

BARTLEBY
yay

GALLONS
the correct answer is “yes” stef

BARTLEBY
i will get my adrenaline from shouting

GALLONS
“yes, he is drinking again”
yay shouting

BARTLEBY
what did she say???
we will never know
ugh stop vole
quit being a vole
huhuhuhuhuhuhuh

GALLONS
har har let’s laugh in the back of class cuz teach is gone

BARTLEBY
nooo modern technology
she’s just dancing

GALLONS
seeee i told you they were up to no good!

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.36.26 PM

BARTLEBY
oh shit

GALLONS
i told you

BARTLEBY
go to the VP!!
lol “the fountain”

GALLONS
what, your high school didn’t have a fountain?
i mean, the water in ours never ran but it was there

BARTLEBY
no we had a police officer guarding the entrance

GALLONS
well there’s that

BARTLEBY
yessss the ex

GALLONS
ooh, gretchen
“FOST-ADOPTED”

BARTLEBY
haha

GALLONS
is that a real term?

BARTLEBY
i’m sure it is
damn shut down

GALLONS
hahahaha “either your wife is here or there is a bachelor party going on”
oh man, i smell a threesome brewing

BARTLEBY
oh god what if they have an orgy
throwing up in fountains geez

GALLONS
“THROWING UP IN THE FOUNTAIN”
everyone
just throws up in the fountain

BARTLEBY
look we caught it
the theme

GALLONS
nice
high five

BARTLEBY
i don’t know how to do a high five emoji

GALLONS
they’re all totally going to get it on

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.38.20 PM

BARTLEBY
i want a pizza

GALLONS
oh brandon don’t push this, man

BARTLEBY
god he is literally just a vole with sideburns
i can’t get over it

GALLONS
[microwave beeps]

BARTLEBY
you love these cues
[laughing]

GALLONS
it might be one of the better things about this experience

BARTLEBY
oof
this is awkward

GALLONS
yupppp
lena’s super not down

BARTLEBY
come on stef
read social cues
through your drunken haze

GALLONS
she’s had too much filthy martini

BARTLEBY
so dirty
lol i love when tv shows are like
look at this handy thing i printed out from The Internet

GALLONS
hahahahaha
“i found a whole list!”
“a whole big fat list of women’s shelters!”
“wow, computers, amazing”

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.39.59 PM

BARTLEBY
lol
[down-tempo music] [whistle blows]
just doing it for you

GALLONS
“Lexi, you’re as american as i am”
this is so incredibly hamfisted

BARTLEBY
haha
also jesus is being a terrible bf

GALLONS
srsly

BARTLEBY
she is going through a lot of shit right now probably

GALLONS
but it’s okay, “she’s got him.”

BARTLEBY
HAIR

GALLONS
it’s gorgeous

BARTLEBY
yeah i don’t like callie either
she smiles too much

GALLONS
she’s definitely a mixed bag
how dare she!
[dog barking]
uh oh, evan
“YOU KNOW JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?!”

BARTLEBY
WINE ALL AROUND
WINE 4 ALL

GALLONS
“We almost died together in the sudan!”

BARTLEBY
what
whaaat

GALLONS
haha
“a state of mind, not a matter of state.”

BARTLEBY
wait so i’m confused about california marriage legislation

GALLONS
this. is. so. blunt.

BARTLEBY
what’s the deal

GALLONS
it was legal for about two years, then they de-legalized it, now it’s back

BARTLEBY
ok
i wonder if that will figure into the season 2 plot

GALLONS
quite likely, they seem good about current events

BARTLEBY
oo intrigue
hahahaha

GALLONS
hahahah “You got jesus. Talk to me.”
what a great voicemail message

BARTLEBY
this show just never stops

GALLONS
i love jesus
also, where is jude?

BARTLEBY
yeah jude is the best one

GALLONS
he keeps skipping episodes
like why is he not at dinner tonight?

BARTLEBY
maybe they have to wait until he is of a more sexually mature age
so they can expand his romantic subplot

GALLONS
perhaps

BARTLEBY
oh shiiit

GALLONS
gretchen is a real muckraker

BARTLEBY
haha muckraker
everyone in this family has such interestingly colored pants

GALLONS
i had not picked up on that
now i will be distracted at all times
OH SHIT BOMBSHELL
here it goes, i called it

BARTLEBY
“in a crackhouse or something”

GALLONS
they’re going to run in waving guns
look, out come the guns

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.42.23 PM

BARTLEBY
oh my god
to handle the crazy poor people

GALLONS
damn str8

BARTLEBY
this movie sux
what is this

GALLONS
no clue
why did she choose to go to this anyway?

BARTLEBY
she had to
for class

GALLONS
ah

BARTLEBY
hahaha so funny

GALLONS
this is actually amusing

BARTLEBY
mystery science theater up in here

GALLONS
even if they stole it from eternal sunshine

BARTLEBY
the badger is a metaphor

GALLONS
/MST

BARTLEBY
UGH

GALLONS
hahahaha

BARTLEBY
this kiss is terrible
jesus

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.44.13 PM

GALLONS
HAHAHAHAAAHAHAHA
“you taste like badger, george!”

BARTLEBY
she just like stopped moving
that is a good awkward teen kiss

GALLONS
“their harmonies are amazing”

BARTLEBY
lolol
hipster vole
on the loose
GOD i’m ready to stop watching this show

GALLONS
hahaha
it is about time

BARTLEBY
2 mins

GALLONS
there are two minutes left

BARTLEBY
wait do we have to do this again

GALLONS
what about jesus though?

BARTLEBY
do we finish it?

GALLONS
haha i dunno
we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to

BARTLEBY
that’s true
this is america

GALLONS
right

BARTLEBY
and we are white
so

GALLONS
i think a solid eight eposides is a decent binge

BARTLEBY
yeah
it was the whole day

GALLONS
yarp
is he sober?

BARTLEBY
he’s gonna kill ana

GALLONS
god that would be rough
“DRUGS”

BARTLEBY
it’s gonna be a cliffhanger

GALLONS
shit that’s annoying
oh fuuuuckkkkk
gunshots
!
not gunshots!

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.46.57 PM

BARTLEBY
AHHH
nooooooooo
what
oh fuck

GALLONS
i think

BARTLEBY
how do we stop here

GALLONS
do you have time?
i think we have to keep going

BARTLEBY
DAMNIT
yeah ok

GALLONS
oh god stef is shot

BARTLEBY
i need to leave at 6
i can watch and cook dinner and then i’ll have to leave in the middle

GALLONS
ah
okay
woof
i’ll have to ride this one out alone
yikes

BARTLEBY
sry

GALLONS
that’s alright, you have much more important things to do

BARTLEBY
obviously the only cliffhanger happens now
DRUGS

GALLONS
guys this is E9: Vigil

BARTLEBY
what if mike shoots her

GALLONS
fukkkk

BARTLEBY
THE FUCK

GALLONS
evan shot stef
mike shot evan

BARTLEBY
nooooooooooo
ah
ahhhhhhh

GALLONS
AND JESUS ISN’T EVEN THERE

BARTLEBY
how will they fit in the titles???

GALLONS
How did he get away from the door

BARTLEBY
YES CONTINUE PLAYING OBVIOUSLY

GALLONS
like he was at the door with Evan?
HAHA chirst
netflix
ridiculous
mariana’s prediction comes true: she needs money for a toothbrush
but really very confused here
he was at the door
evan was there
now he’s elsewhere

BARTLEBY
was he at the door?

GALLONS
yeah, in the last episode

BARTLEBY
oh
uh
idk
tv physics
is this the last of the season or something??

GALLONS
no
21 episodes

BARTLEBY
oh god not even close

GALLONS
nowhere near
titles!
i love the cereal

BARTLEBY
seriously

GALLONS
okay the badge is stef

BARTLEBY
SPONGE

GALLONS
the pillows are lena?

BARTLEBY
who are the pancakes

GALLONS
jude

BARTLEBY
also wait there is sheet music AND a piano
who is the ducks?

GALLONS
there are random things mixed in

BARTLEBY
lol
JUUUUUUUAREZ

GALLONS
JJXJXJXJXUUUARRREZZZZZ

BARTLEBY
ph fuuuck

GALLONS
“SHE’S IN V-TACH”!
NOT V-TACH!

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.48.54 PM

BARTLEBY
this show just becomes grey’s anatomy

GALLONS
why is his name foster?

BARTLEBY
it isn’t?
idk

GALLONS
it is, they just called him mr. foster

BARTLEBY
she might have just assumed

GALLONS
it’s on his nametag

BARTLEBY
oh right
idk

GALLONS
stef kept his name
they’re just all fosters

BARTLEBY
everyone’s name is foster

GALLONS
lena took his name too
how weird

BARTLEBY
no
she’s lena adams
it said on her door

GALLONS
oh

BARTLEBY
at the skool

GALLONS
wikipedia calls her lena adams foster

BARTLEBY
oh
uh

GALLONS
maybe they get married?

BARTLEBY
probably
geez bloody gauze all over the floor
clean up a bit

GALLONS
surprisingly accurate, i think
hospitals are often not clean
flashback!

BARTLEBY
yes
god

GALLONS
look how young they are!

BARTLEBY
i love it

GALLONS
the yellow glow is great too

BARTLEBY
we get to see her steal stef from her husband

GALLONS
“hello, my name is yellow lighting, i’m here to tell you that you’re in a flashback”

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.50.17 PM

BARTLEBY
god i need to goooo
good Q brandon

GALLONS
oh damn
shit’s just getting real
these IA guys suckkk

BARTLEBY
ok my netflix froze
this seems like a good time to go

GALLONS
fair enough
it’s been lovely bingeing with you [name redacted]
i mean
barts

BARTLEBY
you too
galls
?
[nickname redacted]

GALLONS
haha

BARTLEBY
babs barts galls balbs
whatever

GALLONS
all of the above

BARTLEBY
have fun watching the rest
GOODBYE VIEWING AUDIENCE

GALLONS
i’ll do my best
I’m here to guide you all the rest of the way.
have no fear.
“Where’s jude?” never a more relevant quetsion
but he’s at connor’s, ooh. exciting. romance blooms.
“when someone gets killed, it’s never good, no matter what they did.”
good point mike
uhoh, bullet is near her spine
“immediate family only” how does this apply?
in this scenario?
apparently the twins get to go
mike and callie: outsiders together
yikes, putting brandon in charge
he’s going to throw a hissy fit
i can’t quite feel my computer on my lap anymore
oh man, flashback to the twins arriving in their lives
yellow light is back
stef speaks in baby voice
ah, sorting through keepsakes
a framed letter from lena and stef to jesus and mariana in papyrus

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.51.50 PM
fucking papyrus
no, it’s not papyrus
but it’s faux-handriwiting of some sort
addressing brandon’s privilege
you check that privilege, b
callie matured with startling speed
or maybe it’s just that time has slowed for me
sitting here
i feel so alone
typing into space
huh huh speaking through a toy megaphone helps us say true things more easily huh huh
shit, who’s at the door
aw, it’s jude
“this family’s not like ours, they’re lucky”
man
jerk those tears, fosters, jerk em
fuck, drunk driving, check
callie’s dad went to jail for manslaughter
“do you think he’ll come back for you and jude, if he gets out?”
foreshadowing, methinks?
Oh damn, wyatt saw brandon caressing callie
everyone is so confused
ooh, mike flashback
first date with stef?
no
divorce papers with stef?
this is going to be stef coming out to mike
my glasses are filthy
i don’t think i’m going to watch the rest of this season
there it is
she dropped the “L” bomb
and she met someone!
Oh man
Mike has put up with a lot
and now here we are, and he’s spiking his coffee

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.53.19 PM
c’mon dude
wyatt’s getting real
exhibiting some serious maturity
“If you’re into brandon, then go for it.”
worst advice ever, dawg
wyatt, your hair is dirty
[soft acoustic rock plays]
callie bursts through hospital doors with white light!
she’s going to kiss brandon!
BUT NO
TALYA COMES IN
FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION
OH MY GOD
INTERCEPTION
bullet fragments removed
stef is okay
optimism from the doctors
everybody, take moment to breathe now, i know you’ve been on the edge of your seats.
we’re going to be okay
i have now been at this six hours straight
BRANDON CATCHING MIKE DRINKING
lordy
this is all just too much
flashback time
[soft rock plays] as stef confesses her endless love
‘YOU HAD ME AT ‘LESBIAN'”

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.55.48 PM
OH MAN
WHAT A MOMENT
TEARS IN MY EYES
stef, recovering, asks “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
this shit is huge
guys
the fosters is blowing up
fake regina
this shit is so heavy
eyes leaking
not crying, but eyes leaking
“DNA doesn’t make a family. Love does.”
TELL IT LIKE IT IS LENA
UH OH
Ana is saying she was a witness
she says she was at the house at the time
of the shooting
stef makes her statement to the IA assholes
why is IA always made of assholes?
I want a show about some decent IA guys
as protagonists
someone write that
maybe stef and mike go into IA later in their careers
that would be a great show
shit, brandon just told mike he was not going to put up with his drinking ways anymore
except he was less eloquent
“look at the bright side you’ll never walk through a metal detector again without setting it off”
*zing*
good one, mike
yeah, we all thought jesus was in there, why was he not in there, what happened?
OH damn
i’m going to take a guess here: ana shot stef
evan didn’t
evan paid for it
effffff
mm, montage over sad music
let’s look at each family member
in their times of sadness
the music supervisor for this show is probably the most miserable person alive
mike’s going to AA, look at that!
full receovery
jovi recovery
OH FUCK FLASHBACK INTO THE HOUSE
EVAN SHOT HER THEN DROPPED THE GUN
rewinding, checking that again
no, he definitely shot her, then dropped the gun, which went off again
why does stef seem so concerned about this?
jeez i dunnno
i need to shower
and eat
and drink coffee
and get the fuck out of bed
oh my god
i feel ill

Screen Shot 2014-12-03 at 2.58.30 PM

CONCLUDING REMARKS

While we’ve both binge-watched television before, a lot, it’s never been under the “duress” of being required to watch for the purpose of a think-piece type thing.  This changes the already-different-from-normal-TV experience of binging into something yet more weird.  The effects were heightened, and we egged each other on in ways that don’t happen when you just sit watching “The Killing” for six hours into the night.  The “Stockholm syndrome” effect was interesting and unexpected.  Neither of us went into this even remotely imagining we’d become attached to any of the characters.  It’s much easier to avoid said attachment when you have to wait a whole week for the next episode.  The ability to just keep going definitely allows the characters and the show under your skin a bit more than you might have expected.  That’s not to say we were surprised that we liked “The Fosters,” because trashy TV is fun, and anyone who says otherwise is a prig.  That said, neither of us intend to keep watching it.  It took itself too seriously, and would have been more fun if it had embraced it’s own camp, a là “Pretty Littly Liars.”  That said, the hair on this show is impeccable.  Really great.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: