Krispy Kreme, now known as Froggy Fresh due to an unsurprising lawsuit, lays out his priorities in the first thirty seconds of “Christmas” – “First thing on my list, go figure / It’s a brand new John Cena action figure / Second thing on my list, guess what / It’s a really cute girl with a really cute butt.” Krispy is innocent enough that after Moneymaker Mike, his sidekick producer reminds him that mom forbade the touching of butts until after high school, he sticks exclusively to John Cena paraphernalia in his Christmas wish-list. That is, until the last and most important request – “And one more thing I want / Even though I already have it / Is the best CD of all time: ‘ILLMATIC!'”
Krispy Kreme’s place in the hip-hop canon is so dubious as to be nonexistent, and it is likely no one will ever speak his name in the same breath as Nas’s outside of this sentence. He’s supposedly a former high-school valedictorian who puts on an excellent show of being an incredibly stupid hick rapper in some of the best YouTube videos ever created. (The rapping is infinitely worse than the production, which could actually work pretty well under a 2 Chainz verse.) The “Christmas” video is no exception – Krispy actually acquires every single piece of John Cena merch he mentions in the entire song, down to the onesie pajamas he intends to get from Gramma. The Boy Who Would Be Krispy Kreme actually cares enough about Christmas to buy a goddamn John Cena lunchbox. “I just want some good toys / Can I get a witness?” goes the refrain. The innocence on display here, and throughout the Krispy Kreme videography, is 50% creepy, 50% endearing, and 110% fun. We don’t know whether the man behind the donut mask has ever touched a butt, but it doesn’t quite matter – for the purposes of “Christmas,” he’s just an indignant child who wants nothing more than some good WWE swag and some better rap albums. I’ll be a witness to that.