Welcome to the 1%J 2014 1%J ADVENT PLAYLIST, in which we attempt to reconcile the simultaneously occurring but often contradictory spirits of Advent season and the “holidays.” It has recently come to our attention that there’s a typo in this introductory paragraph thing, but we are going to leave it because now it is a “tradition,” like that blue streak through the T in “Deckmaster” on the back of Magic Cards.
The Christmas Spirit is a capitalist lie created to overrun Christian spirituality and dominate the Western mind with market-driven consumer productivity. Or some type of lazy rehashed Marxism. Like fvk the free market, right? Capitalism sucks and corporations are evil. I am a young person with a blog sometimes and I have political feelings even if they are poorly thought out and generic.
The insidious figure at the heart of commercialized Christmas is the worst lie of all – Santa Claus. Santa enters the minds of American children at a disturbingly early age and leaves them dependent for the rest of their lives. It’s incredible to see the life-long impact of a figure who exists almost solely for the purpose of getting children to shut up. It’s especially bizarre watching commercials this time of year and noticing how many of them focus on Santa Claus. Who cares about Santa Claus? Babies. Who I hope are not the target market for car insurance (you never know, I guess). It seems like the only people over the age of five who think Santa is a relevant entity are advertising executives.
Five year olds, advertising executives, and the embodiment of manic five-year-old insanity and calculated ad-exec evil – Ariana Grande. Already a professed anti-Christian crusader and a likely conduit for Satanic invasion and/or serial slaughter, it’s hardly a stretch to suppose that Ariana is actively leading the War on Christmas, delivering the hearts of confused American teens into the hands of demonic corporations. As the world’s foremost Ariana Grande scholar Caity Weaver has already noted, “Santa Tell Me” – Ariana’s recently released Christmas single – confuses teenage sexual desire with childhood commercial/Christmas desire, equating Santa with not only God but sexual release. Is Ariana in love with Santa? Or is she merely confessing her deepest desires to him? Which is more disturbing? The bedroom imagery, the sexualization (Playboy rabbit style) of Christmas bows, the mysteriously blurred-out PRODUCT that ultimately blurs out Ariana’s crotch – all of it leading up to an orgy of misplaced desires that reduce Christmas to a consumerist free-love frenzy.
It is abundantly clear that Santa Claus is a demon, that his mission on Earth is the inversion of Christmas for the purpose of global destruction at the hand of corporate consumerism, and that Ariana Grande is his latest vassal. The spirit of evil is strong, and – unless the True Meaning of Christmas is rediscovered – we are all at the mercy of her coal-black hands.