Welcome to the 1%J 2014 1%J ADVENT PLAYLIST, in which we attempt to reconcile the simultaneously occurring but often contradictory spirits of Advent season and the “holidays.” It has recently come to our attention that there’s a typo in this introductory paragraph thing, but we are going to leave it because now it is a “tradition,” like that blue streak through the T in “Deckmaster” on the back of Magic Cards.
At the end of human civilization, when we’re looking back at the history of mankind from post-human civilization eschatological whatever-ness, there will be a Great Moments in Human Existence television special retrospective, and it will present the universally-agreed-upon opinion that the peak of human civilization was the run of Mariah Carey singles between 1994 and 1996. It will also acknowledge the wonders of the holiday Christmas, and we will present to us, with awe and incredulous amazement, that there is one instance of divinely ordained overlap – Mariah Carey’s 1994 Christmas single, “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”
Have you heard this song? This is the justification of every horrible thing humanity has ever done. If you ever question why God went through the trouble of being born and suffering and dying and resurrecting all for a miserable cruel world that will only end up over someday, this is it. There are a lot of truly beautiful Christmas carols that celebrate the heart of the glory of existence. This is honestly the best one.
The end of civilization retrospective will move through the next 20 years of human folly – “Butterfly,” “Rainbow,” “Glitter,” Britney Spears, Radiohead, 9/11, “A Night In Paris,” the PATRIOT ACT, reality television, Lady Gaga, Pitchfork, search-engine optimization, Black Friday, poorly applied post-structuralist theory, furries, Fred Phelps, Mackelmore – and it will ultimately come to “All I Want For Christmas Is You (SuperFestive!) (Shazam Version)” by Justin Bieber featuring Mariah Carey. The retrospective will air the video in it’s entirety – a juvenilely sexualized 40-year-old Mariah in a sexy Santa costume, a lascivious teenage Justin Bieber, the disgustingly obvious corporate retail tie-in. Post-humanity humanity will watch in horror and beat their heads and say – “This is what it was all for. This is why we did it. We grasped the glory of the universe and we pissed it all away – for a Macy’s advertisement.”
You maniacs. You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.