A weekly roundup of the best things to do in the best cities in the country, and
Brooklyn Seattle fvk the 12th man
THE 4TH GRADERS PRESENT AN UNNAMED LOVE-SUICIDE – So apparently in this play, a 4th grader kills himself and leaves behind a play as a note, which must be performed by all his friends and not-so-friends at school. While this is a pretty effed up thing for a lot of reasons, all signs indicate may also be the recipe for a classic of contemporary theater. All week @ The Ballard Underground, 2220 NW Market St., 7:30 – $15
GAG, NUCLEAR AGE, ENOUGH SAID, and RESPONSE – Gag is actually really not my thing – d-beat is pretty fucking boring – but apparently they’re buddies with Naomi Punk, and I’m all for supporting that scene if you’ve got nothing better to do with your Thursday night. Thursday @ Black Lodge, Eastlake Ave. E and Republican St. (#SORRYNOTSORRY BLACK LODGE), 9:00 – $5ish
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST – Chop Suey, legendary indie venue of Seattle, is closing its current set of doors in favor of a pair bankrolled by some Angelenos (goddammit, stop following me up here!) To celebrate, a ten-hour show featuring local youngsters you probably went to college with – Kithkin, Chastity Belt, Tacocat, Universe People, Wimps, Sashay, Pony Time, Blood Drugs, DJ Dave Hernandez, and Childbirth (feat. members of Chastity Belt and Tacocat – let’s get incestuous!). I actually still haven’t been to Chop Suey, so I might find myself at this show for that reason alone – it’s a shame they’re closing, their tribute nights sounded rad. But maybe some outside influence would mean this city would no longer have to settle for the dreary rehash punk-scuzz that everyone (save Naomi Punk) who graced the cover of last week’s “Seattle Weekly” (and this lineup) thinks its their god-given right to make, high rent be damned. There is more to punk than punk, you fucking assholes. If you have to learn that from Angelenos, then shame on you. Sunday @ Chop Suey, 1325 E Madison St., 4:00 – $5/$10
NIGHT TRAIN W/WYATT CENAC – Beloved comedy local Wyatt Cenac hosts his weekly night of standup + “the occasional surprise only found in Gowanus.” I’m crossing my fingers it’s a visit from the ever-elusive Gowanus swamp monster. Monday @ Littlefield, 622 Degraw St., 7:30 – $5/$8
VESSEL – Gather up all your ladyfriends and catch the last showing of this documentary about nautical abortions. Special Q&A with director Diana Whitten. Tuesday @ IFC Center, 323 Sixth Ave (not in Brooklyn), 7:00 – $14
ABC TRIVIA – Arts, Books, & Culture Trivia hosted by HuffPo, Electric Literature, and BOMB Magazine. Show off yr nerd chops and network with the literati in hopes of getting that sweet, sweet unpaid publishing internship. Wednesday @ Housing Works Bookstore Cafe, 126 Crosby St. (not in Brooklyn), 7:00 – $FREE
A GIFT PT II – NYC bands gather to pay tribute to the late, great NYC icon Lou Reed. All proceeds will be donated to the Missourians Organizing for Reform and Empowerment (MORE) legal defense fund for those arrested in Ferguson protests. Saturday @ The Gutter, 200 N 14th St., 8:00 – $8-10 suggested donation
COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP VIEWING – Ducks. Buckeyes. If yr gonna watch THE BIGGEST GAME IN OREGON HISTORY you might as well watch it on the big screen. Go Ducks. Monday @ Laurelhurst Theater, 2735 E Burnside St., 5:00, $FREE
STILL HUNGOVER FROM THE VICTORY PARTY – Tuesday @ Yr house, all day, $PAIN
WILLIAM STAFFORD BIRTHDAY READING – If you don’t know who William Stafford is – you should. He wrote the best “dead deer oh shit mortality” poem ever. It’s his birthday. Give the legend a listen. Wednesday @ Broadway Books, 1714 NE Broadway St., 7:00, $FREE
NO PUN INTENDO – Who knows what the comedians will be like, but the games are all classic. At the very least, Pacman will entertain you. Thursday @ Ground Kontrol, 511 NW Couch St., 5:00, $QUARTERS
TWIN CITIES [btbt]
U.S. POND HOCKEY CHAMPIONSHIPS – Why do you live in this miserable place? Because where else in the world do you get to experience the United States national pond hockey championship? That is not a good enough reason. But it’s kind of fun! Thursday – Saturday @ Lake Nokomis, all day, $FREE.
DIRTY BANKS EP RELEASE SHOW FT. FRANCE CAMP – Last time I saw France Camp play somebody else’s CD release show it was one of the best sets I ever saw all year, so maybe that will happen again this time. If Dirty Banks’s name is evocative of a river that’s kind of basic but if they’re talking about a poorly vaccuumed financial institution then that’s more interesting. Thursday @ the Turf Club, 8:00 PM, $7.
FIRST AVENUE’S BEST NEW BANDS OF 2014 – If you enjoy large institutions arbitrarily determining who the best bands of an arbitrary time period were by means of the “who is available and willing to play this show tonight?” method, then this is the concert for you. Featuring Hippo Campus, who I kind of like, and lots of bands that I haven’t heard, who I also might like. #localmusic. Saturday @ First Ave., 7:00 PM, $7.
“CREATING YOUR OWN FUN” INSIDE – because that’s all there is to do without a car in this cold, dark, horrible place. Always @ yr house, all the time, $ depends on yr craft supply, alcohol tolerance.